To quell my frustration over the continued attacks on women's health rights, I've taken to writing fairy tales about it. We'll start here:
The girl came into her room after being out all night and was surprised to find the unicorn standing by her bed.
“Good morning,” the unicorn said in a clipped British accent. “Did you have a good time?”
Unsure what to say, and feeling a blush creep into her cheeks, she stood awkwardly by the door and shifted around in stocking feet.
“My, my! It must’ve been a good time if you can no longer speak,” the unicorn teased her.
“I don’t mean to be rude,” she stammered. “I’m just quite shocked to find you in my room. My father said unicorns only visit pure girls. Girls who’ve no sexuality or sexual relationships with anyone. He told me I am not a good person, as I’ve a boyfriend.”
The unicorn raised its eyebrow skeptically. Well, it would’ve raised its eyebrow skeptically if unicorns had eyebrows to raise.
“I beg your pardon, Miss, but I must say, your father is a bit of a judgmental creep. And not just a small amount of a hypocrite,” it finished, muttering to itself.
“What? I’m sorry, Mr. Unicorn, I didn’t hear that last part.” The girl stepped a bit closer.
“Nothing, dear. If you don’t mind, please do not call me ‘Mister’. I prefer to be a non-gender-specified creature so I can visit anyone I wish and not make them uncomfortable. A side note, darling, ask your father what he gets up to on Tuesday nights down at the tavern, and we’ll see how judgmental he is then.”
“Okay?” The girl cocked her head to the side and, sweet as can be, tried to puzzle out what that meant. “What is that on my bedside table?” She pointed past the unicorn.
“Ahh, yes. The reason for my visit. Now, I most assuredly do not presume to judge you for having sexual relations with anyone who is a consenting adult. However, I’ve made it my job to visit people of all shapes and sizes and preferences and make them accountable to their safety and their partners’ sexual safety. One can be fun, but one must also be wise. That’s what we really do, us unicorns… Educate. Honestly, I am quite tired of these silly, faux tales of us running around judging everyone. We enjoy a good romp as much as the next beast. That said, go ahead and open your gifts.”
The girl set her smashingly cute high heels on the floor and wove over to the table. She unwrapped cheerfully festooned boxes full of condoms, birth control, dental dams, and many other things to make life a bit easier.
“Do you think you might find those useful, milady?” the unicorn asked in a silly voice, trying to ease the girl’s discomfort. “Really, you’ve nothing to be ashamed of. And most importantly, you should be taking care of yourself. Never mind what these ridiculous people try to tell you to control you.”
“Why, yes, I think I would find them useful.” She turned and looked at the unicorn. “Truthfully, I do get a little tired of hearing the crap people say when I know they are full of b.s. They’re always telling us to look to the princess for virtuous leadership.”
“Believe me when I say, when she gets her chance the princess will speak out, as she enjoys a good time as much as anyone. Now, dear, I also left you a daring little number in the closet. I must be on my way. The princess in question has asked me to visit her ladies-in-waiting. Waiting for what, I always wonder?” The unicorn laughed and strutted out the door, but not before turning around and reminding her, “Being sexually active is a great deal of fun, but do not forget your annual exam.” With that, the unicorn disappeared into a puff of glitter.
Since we don’t have unicorns, we need Planned Parenthood.
Visit Planned Parenthood to donate or get access to healthcare.
