Shedding the Material World Part 3

I was always someone who gave things away, recycled things, gifted people items (as well as bought them gifts). I also have reused, repainted, and repaired many things in my life.

This was not new. What was new was the scale of what it became during this process of downsizing things and organizing things.

Honestly, this can’t be summed up with a lot of simple tips unless you just go throw everything away. I personally do not think that this is an okay way to be if many of the things you have can be reused.

If we can get ourselves into these messes we should clean them up. There’s just too much waste. And no, I am not saying I am perfect. Far from it. And there has been an occasion where the place to try to get something reused or recycled has been too much trouble and I just tossed it. It is a limited amount of items, but gas and time costs a lot too and I don’t always have it or patience when life is messing with me.

I mean, one day when we had amassed as much as we could give away and recycle all in one swoop, my partner and I had to stop at 17 different places. 17. It took 10 hours to get everything dropped and it came nowhere near clearing everything out. It was one of many trips we have taken over the last 6 years especially. (This is also in part because of all the stuff left in the house we bought, but I’ll explain more on that later.)

Any time in life when I just say how I feel about something everyone is always quick to jump down my throat about being self-righteous or looking down on people. I used to feel bad about this, but now I think people can stfu and self-reflect. I am not self-righteous for having an opinion you don’t like because it touches on a part of yourself you don’t like. You want to throw everything in the garbage, go ahead. I personally don’t think I should. I think I should get as much stuff into other people’s hands as I can because again: THERE IS TOO MUCH GARBAGE. And people need things and hey, sometimes they even want a present. *I have learned to add when I do give a gift I am unsure of or even one I know they may enjoy, I say “All I ask is if you don’t like it or can’t use it, that it doesn’t go in the garbage, I won’t be offended if you don’t keep it.” Which is completely true. I realized it has always been true, but I didn’t think to offer up the way out.

Though almost all the gifts I give now (and I should add I HAVE CUT WAY BACK ON GIFT GIVING IN GENERAL) are snacks, soaps, household items, art supplies etc…consumable basically.

One of the biggest influences of cutting back on gift giving stems from over two decades of giving to my partner’s very well-off family and how they treated me.

Two other factors into how I feel about gift giving now is how I grew up poor and the mess that created around Christmas and the decade or so I spent hosting a holiday gift giving/cocktail night for my friends at the time and how they reacted (spoiler alert: some were not nice).

As I got older and had a place to live on my own, I started to want to do holidays up as well as I could. As someone with no family to celebrate with, I turned to doing things for my friends. I might add, I have often had to work on Christmas Eve and the day after Thanksgiving so this did at times make things harder. But I still tried.

This did not align with the partner I have spent most of the last 26 years with. He had a family that made Christmas a miserable experience for him and in turn he made it a miserable experience for me. It’s not great and I kept my mouth shut for a very long time, but at some point these things boil over. Especially when the mountain of expense you derive from doing things for people who give you a roll of plastic wrap is sitting there and they just send a check to your partner(addressed to him) a week later with your name misspelled on the memo line. Not to say the amount of time and effort one puts into people who don’t appreciate you because of your eldest daughter tendencies(a thing that shouldn’t exist in the first place, but here we are as a people) and thinking if you just try a little harder maybe you’ll be accepted.

I am gonna guess most of you can figure out how this has ended up.

There was an occasion that one or the other of his parents would give us a check for $150 or $200 but that just went to the $800-$1,000 credit card bill we would acquire buying things for them. And making things, and cooking, and cards, and we had to bring our own food, wine for his mom, and on and on and on. There was birthdays, a wedding anniversary, Christmas, pets to be bought for, brother in laws, sister, grandparents, niece, nephew, white elephant gift parties (THE WORST). And all I ever had to show for it was a few things from the dollar store to donate and occasionally a check that I signed over to my boyfriend to pay for our debt. Many years we gave each other nothing in order to do this stuff.

I was “given” ice skates 3 times for Christmas. I have zero pairs of ice skates. This is something I really wanted too. Always got a promise they would happen and then nothing. That was three years in a row that we showed up with gifts and I left with literally nothing except a partially used coffee gift card. I still don’t have skates and finally just gave up on this because even writing this now all these years later, hurts my feelings.

This happened multiple times with the gift cards. My boyfriend always expected us to buy some Christmas ornament for his mother’s stocking. I get it. You want to do things for your mom. A couple of times over 20 years ago she even gave me a couple of ornaments that I still have. She did stockings and would put a few things in my boyfriend’s and his sister always got a lot of stuff. She is the family favorite.

Sometimes my stocking would have a gift card in it (that was usually all that was in it, occasionally random toys from the dollar store, very weird) which I always thought was great, only to go to the shop and be told it had $1.93 on it. This happened several times. Clearly just cleaning out the purse. And the final year that I finally said I was done, we came, brought a pile of stuff, I handmade jewelry,  I planned outings, gifts for kids, etc..etc… (Oh and all the gifts we bought for the kids they already had them. These were literally the wish list gifts in the news. THE KIDS ALREADY HAD ALL OF THEM). I also have stories about how many of my gifts were received, but that’s a whole other thing, isn’t it?

I had a roll of plastic wrap in my stocking. That was it. Not one single other thing from anyone.

I left it there.

I still sort of can’t believe that it happened. It’s like a family villain situation in a movie. I would watch that happening on tv and think, wow who would do that? Well, it turns out someone would do it. And mind you, every year this woman bitched and bitched about how we had to come to Christmas. We had to be there. Only to spend most of the day not talking to us.

She is a master class in performative closeness. Declutter people who waste your time.

I did go one more time the next year and it was even worse, but I digress because I am getting to a point about gifts, women, eldest daughters, and how in the world we end up buying shit for people who do not give an eff about us. And yet if we don’t, we are also punished. And we must accept every piece of stupid, thoughtless garbage they give us like we are being handed the Hope diamond. “It’s the thought that counts” we are told. Yes, and the thought often shows your contempt and condescension.

I know I am not the only woman who has been through stuff like this and I read about it all the time in chat groups and therapy groups.

Then there are the strange times, when it almost seemed like someone tried to do something nice, but somehow that also ends up like a trap somehow? I now know this one of those things manipulative people do to keep you second guessing yourself. Be nice one minute in front of everyone, but make sure you feel like you’re the worst the next minute.

These are feelings you do not have to live with. I suspect, in my case at least, I kept things around as if to punish myself. I would look at things people gave me and I knew I didn’t like them, but then say that to myself I was an asshole cuz at least they did something. Something.

That is what I have been worth to people who are some of the most important figures in my life. The Something. The Afterthought. The Obligation. The How Dare You Not be Grateful I EVEN BOTHERED TO LOOK AT YOU GIFT.

All titles of gifts I have overall received in my life.  And I know women especially feel what I am talking about.

So, when it comes time to declutter this stuff you hesitate and the guilt creeps in. NO matter how much you dislike or loathe this person, no matter how awful and thoughtless they have always been, you somehow end up being the one feeling bad. And why? I can promise you this person is not feeling the same feelings. Sure, maybe you’ll see them and they’ll try to guilt trip you at some point, WHO CARES??? You are not dumb, that gut feeling that knows you are being manipulated is not wrong. Listen to it and let that shit go. And someone who feels the need to make you feel bad for not wanting to keep something that adds to your bad feelings is a shitty person. That is not your problem.

Seriously, I strongly encourage anyone and everyone and most especially women and daughters, wives, and girlfriends to FUCK THIS GUILT BULLSHIT.

I have spent most of my life feeling bad about what other people have done to me or let them convince me I am the asshole in the situation and this goes double for relationships that resemble family. Do not waste your time and energy like I have, get rid of this stuff: both the emotional and the physical. Sell it even and use the money for something you want.

You will start to purge items and you will realize you also want to purge feelings. In fact, and I’ll go into this more later, you start decluttering just about everything you can think of and that includes people and their self-absorbed bullshit.

I haven’t even touched on my mother. But she has been dead for almost 20 years now and it hasn’t caused too much in the way to declutter. Poor people don’t usually send you a lot of gifts for the holidays and neither do dead people. Just a pile of emotional scars one can’t donate to Goodwill unfortunately.

Part One of my insane dive into decluttering is here.

Part Two is here.

You should read them and feel better about your mental health.

My 28 year old fake Christmas Tree which I still have. As you can see there’s no gifts underneath which was the norm for many years. And if there were some they were for other people.

A couple of examples of the kinds of gifts I do give these days. I tried to find pics of things that parents and stuff have given me, but I don’t seem to have any which tracks.

Local wine, reused gift bag, handmade Krampus charm necklace, snacks.

Reusable tote from local store, wine, boozy seltzers, snacks, lotion. Adults like the booze gifts a fair amount these days.

JUCHE for when you want to feel slightly cooler

There are certain places that make you feel in the know. There are certain places that not only have the coolest vibes, they also have delicious food.

Juche is one of these places. I was not familiar with the owners, who had previously ran a different type restaurant in the not so distant past. They have been welcoming, accommodating, and given me stickers.

10/10 no notes

I came across Juche when I was looking for more late night dining. Our options for such things have slimmed a great deal since 2020. When I happened across a short mention of them in the news, I was pretty excited to find that they had multiple vegan options for us not as cool people.

Going here does make you slightly more awesome though. K-Pop is always playing, Korean reality shows are on, delightful neon signs, and the adorable young people that work here, all add to the atmosphere. The space is tiny and in a normal people, diverse neighborhood that adds to its appeal imo. It’s painted all black and the food is fabulous.

Seriously.

One thing I love to tell people is that they have the best french fries in the state. Trying vegan french fries all over is a hobby of mine and the house fries here are enough to make the worst of days feel better. They are fried four times and taste like a french fry in a dream. Crunchy on the outside, salted divinely, and soft (but not too soft cuz ewww) on the inside.

They offer a Spicy Crispy tofu dish with perfectly cooked jalapeños in it and they have that crunch you can’t help but love.

The Vegan Bop, filled with a variety of pickled items is another favorite which can be served with their crispy rice. I had never had crispy rice before I ate here and now it’s something I look forward to having there.

The culinary delight that took me by surprise the most was a sandwich served at Juche. I didn’t know what to think the first couple of times I saw it on the menu, but one night I decided to go for it. It is called Trust Me Bro: peanut butter, kimchi, fried on bread with strawberry preserves.

Do not miss out on this sandwich. I haven’t had anything else like it before. It is quite filling so I’d suggest sharing. In fact, I think sharing all the dishes you order here is pretty fun. They come out in no particular order and you can just start enjoying them as they arrive.

They serve unique cocktails, mocktails, and Barley tea. I’ve tried many of them and have enjoyed all of them. My favorite being a drink by the name of Lady Vengeance which is made with a Korean Botanical Gin.

For some reason, I like going here Sunday nights. I’ll go when I can, but Sunday night just makes for a nice start to the week. I just feel a little pepped up.

And like some other places I’ve mentioned, they have a really cute bathroom.

The brilliant little gem, JUCHE.

The insanely close to perfect fries.

Mr. WU’s chips that are served with Kimchi salsa that I would take home if available.

Top: Vegan Bop

Below: Spicy Crispy Tofu

Bottom of photo includes Veggie Mandu, another favorite. An easy appetizer for the shy ones at the table, cuz yes we bring newbies now.

TRUST ME BRO sandwich: peanut butter, kimchi, fried bread served with fresh strawberry preserves. (Imagine a slurping sound here)

I mean, VIBES.

Shedding the Material World Part 2

There’s a strange little habit I developed over the course of downsizing my personal belongings as well as organizing what is left.

One of the bigger messes digitally I had was my photos. I have somewhere near 100,000 digital photos and a huge mass of them were not organized in any way. And when you have several mini online businesses this becomes a problem when searching for stuff.

So one of the things I’ve under taken the last few years (and this has helped curb doomscrolling too) is to sort, delete, and make folders for events and such in my photo library. I’ve even started going back into the older folders and deleting more photos because as someone who has hosted well over a thousand times in my life, I have had plenty of pictures of people and things that I have no clue who they are or why they are there.

As I have been downsizing my personal belongings I started to photograph stuff leaving the house. This started happening for a couple of reasons: First and foremost, I was having a hard time tracking everything going out and I wanted to keep better tabs on it. Even though things have gone missing plenty of times there were a few that I had just put somewhere or given away that I didn’t recall till later. So yes, tracking them with photos. This helped a lot since we moved and everything was chaos in this old, old house with tons of mess and repairs to be done just to live here.

A second reason has been to track donations. I didn’t do this many times and I lost out on what little deductions I could’ve possibly received(and our world does not reward generous people, only greed -so track those write offs). I have mostly given away, donated, or gifted the things that I have owned. And no I don’t feel bad about getting a tiny, almost minuscule benefit from what I can. It strangely requires a lot of work to give away stuff and clean up your own mess. Never mind trying to be generous. You are basically nothing but a resource to the entirety of the world as it is, never mind if you give stuff away. This becomes all people want from you. I’ve learned to just draw a pretty hard line in the sand when I give things away, you come to pick it up and it’s no longer my responsibility.

Of course, no matter how much you give some people, all they ever do is ask for more and this is especially where you need to cut off the line.

I was not good at this for many years and was repeatedly taken advantage of and even when I knew this person was manipulating me, I would still let it happen(I always convinced myself it was fine, they were just in need, they were my friend, blah blah blah)(they are not)(And this doesn’t stop at your belongings. They want your time, resources, money, and energy. You are not allowed to think you will ever receive any of the same support in return. Be warned.) (This is where you will start decluttering people from your life fyi)

However, none of these cover the strange habit I found myself developing which is when I was sorting the bulk of my photos of my old homes, closets, anything that I used to have: I would count the number of things in the picture I no longer owned. It’s strangely satisfying. I might add it’s also become a good way to remember something I had kept around for reasons I didn’t necessarily want to and still have a way to recall that it once was mine without the constant reminders whether they are negative or not. I imagine that I will eventually delete most of these photos as well. But right now they serve as part of a larger life project.

Some of the better advice out there when getting rid of the stuff that’s hard to deal with emotionally is pretty much this: Take a picture of the items and keep a photo album. Then send the items somewhere where it will be appreciated. You can even make notes in the photo album. I find this exceptionally helpful. I’ve not had too many family things or long term friend things simply because of the nature of the relationships that I largely have never had. But a few things here and there were harder to let go of and once I did get photos, it just sort of went away. I have barely thought about anything I’ve gotten rid of, you really just don’t care after it’s gone. Life is too busy and when life gets even the tiniest bit easier you are very grateful for it.

Plus one of the things that helps me is simply asking: Do I want to keep dusting this object, being annoyed, etc… or would money be better? (If it’s something you can sell)

I am gonna guess we all have a pretty similar answer these days. I think this becomes especially true as you get older. You just want some things to be easier.

Now going through the photos led one down memory lane as it does. And I happened across photos of my first technically on my own apartment (I paid for everything).

Well over twenty+ years ago. I was rarely alone even if I tried to be and that did get tiring after a while. I was not good at setting boundaries about my time and space. Plus growing up with family members who had no respect for space or letting you be for even five minutes, this is not a skill you acquire as a child. And you really do need to learn to say no especially when you are a girl. It’s not an accident more women are leaning into drawing lines and boundaries these days. I would guess many grew up like me with a constant barrage of being told to do this or that regardless of how it might negatively effect them.

In my case, I was also guilted into many things like keeping objects/clothes I did not want or even fit me half the time. This doubles up when you are poor, you’re required to be grateful for anything no matter how useless or awful it might be.

My mother would not ever buy anything for me that I actually liked as a kid. I didn’t have a lot of space to develop much of a sense of self or personality. But when I did occasionally find something I liked, my mother hated it. She always bought weird, overly saccharine sweet seeming things that I guess she thought would cover up the reality of our lives.

I mean, no one was going to notice the poverty and wide variety of other issues in a house full of Precious Moments and pink bibles, right?

This also tied into how I didn’t really know how to do much and was continuously getting beat for it without anyone bothering to stop to ask why it is I didn’t know how to use a sewing kit. Well, it turns out you can’t really learn stuff when no one bothers to teach you how to do it (this was long before YouTube). Or even gives you the time to do it.

In the event I was given something I didn’t know what it was or what to do with it, I still kept it because I was trained to be grateful if a bit confused by whatever random thing was set in front of me. Most things were small, but small things add up when you are not allowed to let anything ever move on.

I suspect many women have to deal with this as well. And finally freeing yourself from that guilt or never letting anyone make you feel it at the start is a good place to be. And again, it’s just stuff.

We have been taught to value material things far too much in this world. And we have also been trained to put other people’s manipulations above what is good for own mental health and emotional health. Though I do see some signs that the tide may be slowly (very slowly) turning away from these things.

I recently just sent this off. I have moved house with it four times. The cartoons are cute, but the reason I kept this was it reminded me of my mother’s own interest in this cartoon. That’s it. I didn’t drink from it nor did I have a complete set. It just sat collecting dust.

My bf’s mother randomly gave these to us and she has done this several times with some things she owns. I had never seen them at her house nor did I ever use them. Sat in a box for multiple years. I finally donated them about a year and a half ago. She has given us so little through the years, I had felt something of an obligation to keep them, but then again: why? When she has offered me something I would actually like, my bf’s sister has stepped in and taken it for herself much of the time. Only to put most of it in storage with her many, many other belongings. To be clear, I ask these people for nothing. And I have no attachment to the things they own. So his sister acting as if I was stepping on toes was quite something. But they have always made sure to let me know I am not part of their family.

Some years ago before my mother died, she decided I needed some old Barbies apprently from my childhood. I did not recall these Barbies, but I held onto to them for many years with no idea what to do with them. They lived in a fancy hatbox that I eventually gave away with an actual hat in it. Then Mattel set up a program where you could send them old toys with the possibility of them being recycled. I requested a shipping label a few years ago and sent them in. They still have this program.

My first on my own apartment. I still have a few pieces of the furniture but most everything else is gone(about 55 objects and the curtains, plants, and cat tree also all gone). This was toward the end of my 3 ½ years living there. When I first moved in, it was empty. I have no pictures of that because I had no camera. It was also broken into a couple of times. So that helped with the downsizing you could say.

This picture was taken with a digital camera my bf borrowed from work many years ago. The place was a mess, but it was exciting using it before sending it back to the office. This was my bedroom at the end of my apartment tenure. The only thing I still have is this mirror which is currently hung in the bathroom. Sheets and blankets were so worn they had to recycled, bed frame given away(don’t know currently where it is), mattress and box spring given away, masks and curtains donated after being used in the house I lived in after this place. The county I lived in used to have textiles recycling, disappointingly they no longer do. The bed frame lived in storage for too long since I was emotionally attached to buying myself my first bed(I slept on the floor most of my childhood). It was a good day when I found someone who could use it.

Tori Ramen

You may be going insane, but you still need to eat.

An excellent place for such business is Tori Ramen.

Korea and it’s many magnificent offerings from skincare to music to food have certainly been having a moment (or three) here in the states. I have found myself quite fond of much of the food. I was told for so many years(mostly by not chefs, I should add) it couldn’t be made vegan and now multiple places in the TC area have not only vegan food, they have some of my favorite food I have ever had the joy to consume.

Now ramen when you grow up beneath the poverty level as I did, is a pretty important food group for your undernourished diet. I remember being able to get cases of it for $3 and that’s what we had to eat for a week. If we were lucky, there was something fresh added to it in a vegetable form and occasionally inexpensive ground beef.

But look, we didn’t die. We owe ramen our lives, it would seem.

A lot of ramen out there now is created with a seemingly unending bevy of delights and the ramen at Tori is no exception.

One of my favorite dishes is the Korea Ramen which includes shredded tofu (when ordered vegan), black garlic, kimchi, chili oil.

I had a weird time because for a while I thought I didn’t like kimchi. I have no recollection why I thought this way, but I did. Perhaps I had a batch that didn’t agree with me at some point. Turns out- I love it. And in many different dishes. Also, I recently read it might remove microplastics from your body. What’s not to love?

Tori has a full bar (I love the strawberry cocktail) and the flavorful, tasty delight that is spicy cucumbers as a starter. I’ve grown to like spicy cucumbers so much we make them at home sometimes.

Strawberry Evening Cocktail

And on the ever important front of whimsy, the main part of the restaurant is a train car with a bar attached and garage doors that open up to the street and trees so 10/10.

Big Stone Mini Golf

As I continue my not-so-slow descent into madness, I find myself wanting to be more and more around whimsical things and in whimsical places. I suppose as the forces-that-be continue to sterilize and destroy everything that is unique about many places, this desire is probably not that strange.

One place in Minnesota that fits the bill of delight and everyday wonder is Big Stone Mini Golf. This seems to be a collective of some sort and I do find myself curious about the people who created it and some seem to live there, but I am not sure how to go about learning about them and I am also big into “minding my own business” phase these days.

I have been out there several times over the last couple of years and something different seems to have been added each time. The golf course is fitted into a small plot of the seemingly extensive land and the holes are cleverly wound into each other. The rest of the park has goats, sculptures, picnic tables, and a variety of other yard games scaled to size. It would probably make a good place for a birthday party.

It’s a bit of a drive from the cities proper, but you can stop at the Asian Mall on the way there to pick up snacks and head out there for a few hours of fun and treats.

Shedding the Material World Part 1

Back around the time I was going to turn 40 (this was 8 years ago now) I started to feel the urge to make massive changes in my physical life. I was making changes around me in my personal life and well, that wasn’t going smoothly. Unless you count that fact that absolutely no one would talk to me so I guess I didn’t actually have to do anything but tell people I was done trying to reach out after months and months and even years of one sided relationships. (They didn’t care. Not one person I tried to talk to, bothered to talk to me. I asked for time with people over and over, they either ignored me, talked over me, or just outright blocked me.)

*There was a woman who I only heard from when she wanted something and when I told her how hurtful it was she never had time to hang out with me, but always had time for others as the photos were always posted on social media, she blocked me lol*

SO yeah, it wasn’t going super great. There were other things in my home life I was also trying to deal with and that also was not going well, so I turned to my material life. I think the need for a distraction played a huge part of my initial motivation and unfortunately due to dealing with so many things and continuing to do things for others (which I shouldn’t have, that was one of my many mistakes back then) the project fell to the wayside until a few years later. But it still continues now. It’s likely to be ongoing I imagine, but the biggest steps I’ve taken have happened the last four years.

Now when I first started to downsize and refocus I was living in a 2000 sq. ft. townhouse. And I am definitely a maximalist. Even now I’d say that I am, but I also started to feel this deep need to send many things off to live other lives.

But I was determined not to make much trash in doing so. Most of my life, the majority of things I’ve owned have been second hand. Even my “new” things (things still with tags or in boxes) often came from thrift stores/vintage stores/secondhand. I expect part of this is because when you grow up as poor as I did second hand things are all you really know and the new things only go to your mentally ill mother with her need to spend every dollar on Precious Moments rather than say, the electric bill. Now I did on occasion get “new” things. But I am talking about when you could buy $3 white canvas tennis shows from Walgreens and those were your shoes for a year or more whether they fit or not and my gawd they would smell so bad no matter how hard you tried to wash them.

I definitely inherited her fondness of small things(much less so these days).

However, I did generally pay my bills first before buying anything and often hers as well. I did also sometimes pay her bills instead of mine because otherwise the other kids living in the house would have to do without. They largely don’t know this (my siblings) and basically think I’ve never done anything for them so that’s another fun piece of this puzzle of dysfunction.

The other piece is my father, but that is a story too long for anyone to care to read at this point. Suffice to say he was giant piece of human garbage. GIANT. Probably continues to be. Who knows. My mother is dead. He is not so far as I know. Fingers crossed though.

My mother was definitely a hoarder as a lot of poor, mentally ill people tend to be and she certainly fit the bill.

I also was forced to leave home when I was sixteen years old and I had nothing to my name. Only the clothes I was wearing and I’m not even sure they were mine.

Anyway. It started off easy enough. Being someone who entertained people multiple times a week and that also included going out to clubs, bars, dinners etc..I had massive piles of clothes. I mean you used to be able to get an awesome top at the thrift store for $0.99. Those days are gone now, but back when this all started it was still possible.

When I got my first apartment “alone” (people were crashing there, dumping their stuff, and leaving their kids to force me to babysit all the time) in my early 20’s I had pretty much nothing. I slept on a single twin mattress on the floor that my former employer gave me and I had some clothes. (I had previously shared an apartment with two girls I met by way of answering an ad. Just imagine that now? Anyhow, I had some furniture when I lived there that was also from my former employer, but it was pretty broken down and I didn’t have a way to move it once it was in place. It ended up being left behind when the girls I was living with just randomly told me they wanted me to move out and their friend to move in. (Without any warning, about two weeks so that was nice.)

I was really starting from nothing.

It’s wild to think about my pass situations now that I’ve been getting rid of stuff. And on more than one occasion as life has stressed me out beyond all fuck, having nothing but a suitcase and a purse feels pretty tempting at times. These last five years especially have made me feel like not sitting still much. People and events have been extracting a price from me I am beyond tired of paying and I don’t really have anything tying me to any place. The overall world is also exhausting and not being able to ever affect any change makes you just want to give up. I have no illusion that I will ever make a difference in this world. And accepting your disposability to everyone and everything is an interesting feeling. Slightly disheartening, slightly freeing.

But it certainly doesn’t make you feel like setting up house anywhere anymore, especially when that has also been taken advantage of and then destroyed by forces out of your control.

These seeming random thoughts turned into what I think was becoming my motivation to do this downsizing. In reality it just gets down to wanting to have some control over something in your immediate life and specifically when everything else is making you miserable.

When everything else is complicated and no one cares how you feel, you really just don’t care about dusting all the time. But you do definitely feel like organizing, and making your life as simple as you can. I’m not to where I want to be, but I am also not entirely sure what that means yet as I continue on this path.

I read that a lot of women just get overwhelmed. And many don’t have particularly helpful in this department partners. I read that men don’t care about clutter and it doesn’t bother them which explains some offices and garages I’ve seen in my time.

If you have kids, this is also even more tricky cuz you don’t want to feel like your throwing away important milestones.

My bf’s mother saved literally every single thing he ever did in elementary school. Everything. It was insane. From permission slips to everyday ditto sheets, everything. Not just special projects. I don’t know if this is normal. My parents did not save these things. At least not my things. I don’t think I’d have anything if one of my sisters hadn’t saved from the trash a very old photo album that I had no idea it even existed. If I saw it growing up, I have no recollection of it. But I do have it now. Nothing else though. And that’s crazy, because as mentioned earlier my mother was a hoarder. I have no idea what happened to all her stuff after she died. Everyone treated me like I was gonna rob them of all her crap when I asked about it so I just don’t care. I even asked for one thing of hers to possibly wear jewelry wise because I did buy her jewelry when I was older, but no one would give me anything. Needless to say, my family has many issues with owning stuff and money. The relationships we each had with our parents are beyond dysfunctional and the relationship our parents had with money would probably give an accountant a stroke.

Additionally watching how other people treat each other over money and material things is pretty wild. During Covid with moving house and not really going anywhere, I started to become unattached to the things that I owned. Once things sit in boxes for years, you realize you don’t even care anymore besides just wanting to be free of the box and the frustration it represents. Many things were also getting broken and stolen by other people. I have yet to account for all that has happened the last 6 years since moving despite my best efforts.

I do have to take a moment to be honest right now and admit even to myself that my depression was about as bad as it had ever been when I moved here. Too many things were going wrong in my life(and the larger world) and too many people were mistreating me/lying to me/using me/stealing from me/etc… . I now think I was also dealing with suicidal feelings that can be brought on during perimenopause which I had absolutely no idea about until a couple years into the move into this house. I found myself planning how to get rid of everything so no one had to deal with it in the end. Rationally speaking planning what happens to your stuff after you die isn’t a terrible thing, but this was not what I was doing.

I didn’t have any support and I often still don’t. To be clear, I have no friends and no close family. I am someone people view as only an occasionally entertaining or useful resource.

This was a hard truth to accept and sometimes it still feels painful, but it is reality and being aware of it and understanding that is how it is and that is unlikely to change has helped me a bit.

Additionally, I did get some medical treatment that has helped me manage some of the symptoms I was suffering from significantly. It’s not perfect by any means and middle age is a bitch when you have no idea what’s happening to you, but it has alleviated some of the misery of it all. And as I continue to explain, sorting through all these material things has also helped. To a degree of which I have been surprised by I might add.

There are so many people I know who have so much stuff it actually shocks me(I also find myself wondering if this is a uniquely American problem).

They don’t get called hoarders because they have money and to a degree- space for it so it’s not met with the same stigma. But people keeping huge collections of crystal entertaining ware they are never going to use is super strange to me at this point. It’s not making anyone *happy* all this stuff. Even if you are a “stuff” person it’s not what makes you feel better. Mostly I see reactions to trauma now(and on the flip side extreme minimalism is both a privilege {YES!} and also a reaction to trauma).

I certainly like to collect things, but I also now understand what it means not to let it collect me. Of course, our culture worships money and material goods. The ultra wealthy have houses upon houses and even warehouses full of stuff. What’s more is I know many people aspire to this, I wonder if I did at some point? I don’t recall ever wanting a warehouse full of clothing, but I have certainly had a lot of it in my adult life(as a kid, not so much).

There was one thing I was determined to do through this process that I am not sure a lot of people prioritize which is somewhat problematic in this overconsumption culture and that is: I was/am determined to keep as much out of the trash as possible. I am someone who when I do own something, whatever it is, either it gets used till it’s no longer salvageable or I take good enough care of it, that it can go live with someone else. I have additionally cut back greatly on the amount of stuff I do buy. It’s been years since I’ve been in a thrift store to shop for clothing. I have been to donate many times though. And I should mention a thrift store is not the only way I shed belongings. I will explain that more at a later date.

There is more I could add, but what I am telling you at this point is if you want to have a better relationship with your belongings and house, you have to find your reasons to get it done and you have to carve out that time no matter what. And honestly, this is true with everything in life. Changing your relationship with your material life is no different than changing your relationship with anything or anyone. It requires time, persistence, and patience with complicated feelings. And yes, the feelings do get very complicated at times.

Plus, you do end up with reasons you don’t expect and sometimes other reasons that feel uncontrollable.

But that is okay and it’s just gonna take a bit more time to work through it.

First piles sorted, washed, and sent off. Boxes held gifts for my sisters and some other folks, Bags, hat box(complete with a huge fancy hat I never wore) went to donation approx. 8 years ago.

Thredup allows you to send items in to be donated (plastic mailing bag in the front of pic) and I gave away more of my stuff to people I knew. I generally did check in before sending anything to anyone, but also included things I thought were fun surprises. The bags and framed photos in the background were sent to be donated to ARC’s Value Village.

The week of my 40th birthday I had this stack of empty hangers and gave these away as well. I offered them up on my Facebook and they were claimed in two minutes.

An example of a pair of boots I wore once on a night out. They sat on a shelf for years. A kiddo I knew from childhood to their teen years now has these as they always loved my shoes growing up. And they can be pretty fabulous dressed these days. They still have these boots. Which is delightful. More examples and ideas to come.

EPIC Universe, Vegan food delights (well, some)

Back in February, I stayed at the Helios Grand Hotel in EPIC Universe theme park. The experience overall was quite fun and there’s something surreal about seeing Mario World with spinning coins in the distance from your hotel room window in the dark. You sort of get into the park earlier. Not exactly though. You can line up outside, but we were let in at the same time as other people and overall our wait for the biggest ride there was as long as it would’ve been just heading straight there. But whatever. Being able to easily head back to your room or get things was nice to be sure.

One thing that has gotten so much better about these places is the prevalence of vegan food in the parks. Disney has done some stellar work on this front except when it comes to special events. They almost never have any special plant based treats available for after hours stuff and it is incredibly disappointing. I hope at some point this will change. The sit down restaurants and quick service as well as the Food and Wine Festival offer a bevy of delights however. I love the Food and Wine Festival in particular and eating at places like Ohana and Brown Derby is quite something.

EPIC is doing some good work on the vegan front. There’s just a few things that seem a bit off. Such as advertising vegan ice cream and each time I went they never had any. They did have a vegan chocolate chip sea salt cookie that was yummy.

Each spot seemed to offer at least one vegan item. And we tried as many as we could. There are also some tasty cocktails around the park as well. I look forward to visiting again as they get their feet more on the ground. (THEY NEED MORE SHADE AND PLACES TO SIT)

Each morning at Helios, I would have an iced mocha with oat milk and a vegan croissant. Ok, coffee drink was decent and I don’t drink these much (only as a treat so it was nice for me). The croissants were bad though. $7 for burnt and dried out. Not the best so I hope this isn’t the norm. It happened all three times we got them.

But, this was redeemed by going to eat at Oak & Star Tavern each morning. They don’t offer vegan breakfast for long, but if you can get it, you should. It is enjoyable and filling. The space is ethereal and calming too. One thing about EPIC is everywhere is beautifully decorated. So much thought clearly went into everything.

Vegan Skillet At Oak & Star

Another meal we really enjoyed was our sit down lunch a Blue Dragon Pan Asian Restaurant. The decorating is gorgeous. Like walking into a high end Blade Runner film restaurant. Good cocktails as well. Multiple vegan items available. Spicy cucumbers, tofu, etc…

Pizza Moon is so cute and like stepping into the set of Coraline or another surrealist daydream. Rich colors, moving backgrounds. Had a pretty good vegan pizza too.

I could’ve stayed in Pizza Moon watching all the moving scenes for an hour.

Vegan Harvest Pizza at Pizza Moon

The American Bar in the “Paris” section of EPIC was our favorite. I loved the glittery prosecco cocktails and had a few of them over the days. And came to understand that getting in line even with an express pass having a drink or snack or both you could finish up right before needing to toss things is a top tier park hack. Especially if the ride goes down(this does happen as there is a lot of new tech here).

One of our favorite Quick Service items at Mario World is located at Yoshi’s Snack Island. They offer a vegan Green Turtle Shell calzone. It was cooked well both times we had it and had all the filings with cheesy goodness and tomato sauce you could want. It’s an excellent stop between Bowser’s Castle on your way to Mine Cart Madness (fabulous ride) if you are in need of a snack. Also, it makes your aim better at Bowser’s Castle.

Theming on point.

We went into EPIC being most excited about Dark Universe. And it was truly amazing. We did not make it to eat a Das Stakehouse yet, but we did stop for a cocktail at Burning Blade Tavern and we enjoyed that experience quite a bit.

What took us by surprise was how much we loved Isle of Berk of How to Train Your Dragon fame. This part of the park is super cute and Mead Hall had a really good and filling vegan ancient grain burger with perfectly cooked fries. The details of this whole area make you feel as if you will be adopted by a dragon at any moment. Even having moving ones and growling and all sorts of bright colored fun.

Mead Hall

We had a stop at the Meteor Astro Pub and tried the vegan sausage with peppers and it was a decent midday snack. The drinks were not quite as good as Bar American, but a couple of their tools were not working so maybe if they get that fixed up it would be a touch better experience.

One evening we made a reservation at Atlantic even though we were lukewarm on the menu for vegan options. We wanted to experience the atmosphere of the absolutely stunning space. As if you’re under the sea looking out into the ocean and above you were blown glass fish floating all around your head. We did try the two vegan options and shared a cocktail.

It was not our thing, but it was worth it to see the space. I think next time I’d just have a drink and skip dinner.

Atlantic

Vegan caviar

Vegan Entree

Our last stop before checking out the final morning was Bar Helios at the top of the hotel. You can go out onto the patio and see across the entire park. It’s a really cool view and an experience I am so glad I had. An excellent escape from reality. With pretty drinks.

The very LOTR vibe at Oak & Star Tavern

The First Tulip Field in Minnesota

Spring has finally warmed up the state and as such getting out and about has been a priority. The local news told of the first ever tulip field in Minnesota at Brand Farms in Farmington, Minnesota. Last Friday we made the trek out there and it was busier than I expected for during a weekday, the sparkling apple cider was a delight (I regret not buying more), and the farm itself has been family owned for generations. I do worry about it out there though as Farmington is facing down a huge data center and we cannot pretend that these things are good for our planet. People will and they’ll argue about it, but I suspect we are gonna regret this for many lifetimes. Until then I am trying to get out there and support small business and small towns as well as the Twin Cities. Class Solidarity so to speak. Also, I like flowers. Here is the link to their website for more information about events:

Brand Farms

Book Life 2025

Welp, I finished out 2025 with my highest amount of books read in years: 83

This used to be normal for me, reading almost or passed a 100 books a year but life gets in the way. I made it a point to do it last year and I intend to do it again this year. I am five in so far this year and starting Alchemized tomorrow. I’ve heard a lot about this book so I am pretty curious about it.

Some of my highlights from 2025:

Em Que Viet

The first few years of living in a new place was made quite difficult by both lockdown and the condition of the house we moved into several years ago. It didn’t make for easy exploring. Constantly dealing with one emergency after another and then spending the better part of a year and half with multiple illnesses and surgeries was not the fun downtime one would hope to have for themselves. Thankfully the last year and half or so has lent itself to finally getting to know some of the places around the city. One of the favorites we’ve eaten at is Em Que Viet. A small gem of a place in Saint Paul that has a delicious menu with multiple vegan options and a staff always willing to answer questions. Em Que Viet has a fun and interesting drink menu and also, pretty bathrooms. You should visit.

Explore Minnesota

My partner and I used to more regularly drive out to random towns around Minnesota and do whatever fun, odd activity that was in the town. Then lockdown happened and we moved and all was chaos. But we gave it a shot last week by going out to Treasure Island Casino. Not to gamble, but to try out the new swim up bar. The only one in Minnesota. Now you can’t actually swim up to it but it is a funny experience to sit in a pool at a bar. Which is what we did for two hours. They also have jacuzzis in and outside as well as a lazy river and slides. We just hung out at the bar and stayed over night and it was a fine way to spend a few hours not dealing with real life. They have shows and bowling out there as well. They do lots of deals so if you’re interested in these types of things this is for you as an easy mini escape.

Notes on a House

I had been recently cleaning up notes about things that have been going on around the house the last few months, It’s sort of non-stop but it’s a lot easier when you don’t have to deal with contractors. We’ve used dozens and only one turned out to be a good one. We are still waiting for a return visit from someone who got over $2000 from us to deal with a squirrel and lo and behold the squirrel is not gone. We’ve been waiting three weeks for the return visit. And this isn’t the first time we’ve been dealing with this company not following through. It’s wild as I want to support it since it is supposedly owned by women, but this is literally amounting to nothing when their employees don’t follow through. Turns out regardless of gender you can be a worthless company. I am starting to get to the point of filing complaints with the BBB. I don’t know if they do anything but I think it would at least be on the record that you should avoid this company. It’s insane how they leave you hanging over a barrel with almost no recourse over and over again. And funnily, we don’t even deal with the worst it. I see in the news and read people’s posts over and over about how awful contractors are they deal with, it’s wild, this profession. I am glad we have learned to do more and more on our own. The stress is just not worth it. Here are some of my notes I wrote out a month or so ago.

Currently: We still haven’t had any luck with the car lift people. Squirrel issue not solved. Trash seems somewhat better lately but the squirrels are literally eating and chewing the city issued cans. A bathroom door finally got installed. Waiting to see what happens. Who knows what’s next?

Emptying Things

I had noticed on the various social media threads people discussing not buying any new products until what they had was empty. As often many back up products went to waste due to expiring. This is touted as a cost cutting measure. Now, I hadn’t had this problem in the past except when lock down took place for a such a long time, I wasn't using many things that I normally would for going out. But before that this was not an issue of mine, but I did notice as I was reading these threads that I had more things than normal as I was trying to find new skincare for my aging skin that was more sensitive than ever. This was difficult, expensive, and even painful at times due to reactions.

I had already stopped buying most make up. I am still trying to find a decent close to 50 years old foundation but so far, no luck.

So, I took it upon myself to spend the first six months of the year using everything I had including samples. Sometimes, I did have to get rid of things (usually gave them to someone else) as I did have reactions to some things during this process but overall I did pretty good. I think this is a great way to not only save some money but to really pay attention to what works for you. There were some genuine surprises for me. Also you will cut down on waste a lot and that is also good for the planet.

This one did not work for me at all. Used it on my elbows.

Drunk elephant Marula oil is worth its weight in gold.

Works in a pinch but not as well as Drunk Elephant imo

Nerdin Out Comic Con

Twice in the last few years I have vended at a CON in Rochester, Mn. about an hour or so from where I live. Both times this has been a pretty enjoyable experience and that is because the people are quite friendly.

You always meet friendly people at events but sometimes there can be more rude people than normal which I have also experienced. That is a bit wild, like why go out if you’re just going to be rude to everyone?

The convention is not super well advertised and I’m not sure why this is because I think more people might attend if they knew more about it. But not everyone has the time to become an expert at social media so that could be part of it as cons tend to be run on volunteer hours.

The costumes are fun. The first time I did it there were theme drinks, that was delightful. The other vendors come say hi and brought all sorts of treats. A lot of the guests will even come around and say hi during the convention. But really just the overall atmosphere is generally more welcoming and cheerful than other CONS I’ve vended at or attended. I hope to vend at it again if it happens.

Here is a link: https://www.nerdinoutcomiccon.com

Learn to Love Yourself and Get Rid of Hangers ONs

I have always wanted to have a Valentine’s Day party and decorate for it in a crazy way. I’ve always found Valentine’s day to be a bit sad because we all are told to hate ourselves day in and day out for whatever reason that particular ad or person’s agenda is at the moment. I wanted to do it in a way that was not related to romance. So I did get to decorate this year and it was seemingly fun. Looks cute and all. I was about to plan a party when things kept happening. The universe tends to warn me about people but I never listen. This time I put off the party because someone was having an early birthday party on V Day weekend and I decided to attend as I can count on one hand the number of people who’ve invited me to do anything in the last ten years and never even mind the last 20. So I went and something happened there that made me realize that I am not sure I’ve ever had actual friends. I’ve hosted people well over a thousand times over the 20+ years with my partner. In every way, shape, or form you can think of and I noticed that not once, even at my own birthday, was anyone ever concerned with the time I am having. I am meant only to serve and listen and give and give. While people unload on me, drink and drink and drink and eat and steal and break things and disrespect me and of course, then go and talk about me behind my back. But this thing that happened made me realize that I had not had any friends though I have had two different therapy groups also point that out, I guess I kept holding out hope. I had some friendly acquaintances at best. I have only served to distract, somewhat entertain(which I am also asked for advice constantly and then told what a bitch I am for being truthful when they asked me not lie to them over and over. I now understand I was supposed to lie to them I guess), be a punching bag, and to be of use and when I am not, no one wants anything to do with me. And on top of that I had tried and tried to talk about this to the people I thought were my friends just to be sent an emoji or rebuffed or one person who came to my house multiples times of week sleeping there and drinking there and whining about all their self-made problems, that “I did not have anything going on that they gave a shit about.” I mean I guess points for being truthful finally. Although, how could they know what I had going on? I could barely get in a word. This went on for years.

Then lockdown happened and not one single person checked on me, not one. I checked on everyone. Even people I was barely friends with, offering support, groceries, anything I thought could help. Sending gifts, cards, to them and the kids I should add, tipping lots, supporting peoples art projects, giving away my stuff, making care packages, giving to gofundmes…. you name it. Sometimes someone would say, “how are you?” after I already checked on them multiple times but not one person reached out on their own. The “how are you” was often met with no response when I started to respond so now I don’t even bother to answer if anyone bothers to pretend to ask. There’s no point. Someone who thought they gave me COVID after repeatedly pressuring me to come to my house, I checked on everyday after they thought they exposed me and not once did they ask if I was okay. Not one time.

I’ve literally had people take up entire dinner times with their own bullshit and then if I say anything they stare off into space and ignore me, then start back in on themselves. I had someone who talked about themselves all day long, I asked about them with follow up questions cuz I assume this how to be a friend to someone, planned the entire day we were out, my partner drove them all around and as I sat quietly listening them continue to ramble on after hours of it, they waited till my bf had left and told me ‘I was kind of a lot.’ Without a trace of irony. I had said maybe 5 sentences in 10 hours.

So I never had the party. I did have people over a couple times this year most recently in May and it was awful and I am now done hosting people for the foreseeable future. And the only invite I have received to anything I got and then a few hours later the person cancelled cuz their bf had a “hair appointment.” I am not joking. There has been no attempt to reschedule. It’s almost funny how awful people are, I just wish more than anything I had cut more of them off sooner than I did. I already agreed to give away some more of my stuff and I will follow through on that. But now I am done. People can find someone else to use and discard and belittle. I could go on like this for a while depressingly enough. And in many cases, for some reason I am always relegated to a care giver role and I am beyond sick of that for sure.

The Learn to Love Myself Lounge is teaching me for the first time that it’s the most important relationship I actually have and it’s a hard lesson to work through. I think of all the times I showed up for people(which btw apparently also makes them hate you, in 2018 I had someone tell me thank you for saving their lives and also no one liked me cuz I helped too much so that was fun and not at all confusing) and it’s brutal to realize that when bad things have happened to me, I don’t have anyone to turn too. I confide in no one, and I trust no one. But this has been true for almost my entire life, I have also realized. I guess I just thought if I tried hard enough it would change. I was wrong.

Romanticized Women

Pre-Spring/Mid-Winter beauty: Last January I went to the Delaware Art Museum and learned about Pre-Raphaelite Feminist Painter Evelyn DeMorgan. She painted older women into her works and young women in scenes wishing to escape(even asking for death) their rich, elderly husbands they were forced to marry. Her husband was the son of a mathematician and he created ceramics that Evelyn designed. He would use math to make everything symmetrical. She supported his art selling her work till he wrote a book that made him financially successful. As you can see the work is quite lovely.

I suspect I found it inspiring as I came home and made this piece with some materials I’ve had for some time now. (Of course, I do actually have a work space now so that also helps).

Iolite, labradorite, gray agate, antique beads from the 30s, silver plated findings, hand enameled pendant plate, silver flower toggle, Chinese fire crystals, vintage Czech glass beads.


Tips for Eating Less Meat in 2024

Tips for Veganuary

  1. Don’t worry about being perfect! There’s lots to learn tho it is easier than ever to eat less animal products.

  2. Don’t let people make you feel bad about eating Beyond products or Impossible products(seriously seeing this happen is very irritating to me). It’s excellent to have them and hey, they can be pretty yummy.

  3. It’s quite likely there are substitutes for your favorite recipes. Spend a little time looking up vegan versions if you like to cook for yourself.

  4. Make sure to get protein which is plentiful in a vegan diet. Nuts, tofu, hummus, greens, oats, etc… iron and protein is pretty easy to come by! It’s a common misconception that it’s not.

  5. However! B12 and vitamin D in winter especially are something to pay attention to when you completely cut out meat. There are easy to find fortified foods (like Orange juice or cereals) as well as getting supplements. You may very well not be getting enough on an omnivores diet so take time to take care of yourself.

  6. Pay no attention to the vegan “police” (you’ll know who they are) no one is perfect and shame is a terrible motivation. Truthfully my partner was a little this way when we met. It took time but I made him realize it was more fun to go find the vegan donuts for people than to bitch about someone making mistakes.

  7. Ask your vegan pals. People have frequently given me shit whether or not I say a word about my diet. We are more than happy to answer questions when we know someone isn’t just being obtuse. In fact, I prolly get too excited about it. 🙃

  8. Feel good about trying! Lifestyle changes are challenging. They take time and effort but now is the time more than ever to take care of yourself and maybe even help animals and the planet a bit. We all have a part to play in this world, work on your corner of it. Changing my diet took a while but it’s quite possibly the best decision I’ve ever made (or pretty close anyway lol)

  9. Be adventurous. So many different kinds of foods to try from all over the world. And BIPOC have always contributed in spectacular ways. Look up some of their social media accounts for example. I can’t even imagine life without Indian food or Vietnamese food.

  10. Be careful not to get too carb heavy or only buy processed foods. This is how a lot of folks take a wrong turn. You’ll feel sluggish and hungry. Nothing wrong with some easy prep foods, but don’t let it become your main meals everyday. And no I’m not saying give up bread (never!) just pay attention to how much you’re eating. It burns off fast and that’s why you’ll also need your protein!

  11. Happy Cow App is an excellent resource especially for traveling.

The Artwork of Kim Simonsson

I recently went to see an exhibit by artist Kim Simonsson at the American Swedish Institute.

A place I have seen some of the most delightful, whimsical art and as someone who has gone to lots of former fancy people homes I can speak with authority to the fact that it also has some of the best wood work, ceilings, and fireplaces in the world. 

It is kept up better than a lot of places and seems to specialize in unique Scandinavian art. 

This exhibit was no exception. 

It had a dreamy, romantic quality with just a touch of creepiness that all fairy tales seem to possess. 

People always point to bright, glossy wedding pictures and proclaim fairy tale, leaving out that fairy tales are darkness filled cautionary tales that include a lot of work to make it to the dreamy wedding/ending. 

I have also attended a few events at the ASI including the Loki Halloween party a few years ago and they are good fun. They sadly never have any vegan treats, but you can usually get a pretty good drink from the bar. 

In years passed, my partner and I used to purchase mystery books in Swedish from the gift shop for his hundred-year-old grandfather which was of great delight to him. 

The shop has a great number of lovely things to behold and I always stop in there as well on a visit. It's probably my second favorite in town to visit behind the Russian Art Museum's shop which has no shortage of wondrous objects. 

I leave you with a collection of snaps I took on this visit: The Moss People